Episode I: The Phantom Menace (it’s probably herpes)
The first question you’re probably asking yourself: men actually watch the Bachelor? Yes, we do, for the following reasons (in no particular order):
- Women are crazy, especially when they’re competing with each other for something. Even more so when that something is a man. A man who’s being sponsored by Neil Lane. This show is a master class in identifying crazy.
- The women are (typically) pretty hot. This is not a banner season in this category. More on that later.
- I live in a one bedroom apartment with my wife and we only have one TV. This show practically invented the category: “Shows I’m Forced to Watch Because my Wife Likes Them.”
Alright, no more half-hearted excuses. Let’s jump right into this madness. I’m not going to explain how this show works… if you’ve made it this far I’m just going to assume that you either know already or don’t care.
We start with the formulaic introduction, complete with sunsets, flashbacks of Ben’s ill-advised proposal on the last season of the Bachelorette, narration about how his heart was broken, and plenty of overwrought thousand yard stares. I’ve actually met some of the people who produce this show, and even they can’t talk about this shit with a straight face. The longer this segment drags on, the more I am mentally calculating how much money they would have to pay me to be on this show. Sorry, you want me to walk down the beach with my unbuttoned, linen shirt blowing in the wind while I talk about how “available” I am? That’ll be an extra 50k.
There is no way Ben is actually playing that piano. Zero chance. Not a single shot of his fingers touching keys to be seen and the piano music is added in production instead of being live… nice try though ABC.
A few “coming up,” clips… a horse, a grandma, and some bi-curiosity? Where have I read that description before?
Some quick thoughts on a couple of the same 5 commercials we’re going to see every break for the next two hours…
- Jeff Bridges would not be impressed if he knew his voice was going to be a part of that rapping white guy Hyundai commercial. The dude would not abide….
- Celebrity wife swap!?!? What the… Holy Shit! Flavor Flav!!!
Chris Harrison has the best job in television. I’m putting it out there right now.
Bring on the ladies (and I use that term loosely). Which of the 25 are the producers going to commit camera time to with the home town previews?
Crazy horse girl right out of the gate. Always a red flag. Lindzi?? Does she really need a last initial? Wouldn’t “Lindzi with a Z and an I” not explain it better? And you’ve been riding horses since before you could walk? Somebody get child services on the phone. Lindzi then shows us a fake text message from her ex-boyfriend who apparently used a Simpsons quote to break up with her. The horse gimmick is enough sweetheart, take it easy.
Amber T, aka Amber with a gun, gets busted by the producers when she says she’s 28 but the screen shows her as 29. Rough start. And then… Cow balls. Jesus. You’re done before you even started.
Kacie the secretary. Tough start here, had absolutely nothing to say about herself, and then worked in a true love story about her grandparents. Pretty though.
Courtney the model from Santa Monica has top 4 potential on looks alone but has top 1 potential for being a crazy gold-digging bitch. We’ll see how long Ben keeps her around.
Jamie the nurse. I immediately wrote down “baby crazy,” in my notes, which she basically admitted to at the end of her segment. Yikes. Throw in a junkie for a mom and having to raise her own siblings, and this chick is drowning in baggage. My wife astutely points out she will have “trouble opening up.” Sadly, this is not our first rodeo.
Lyndsie the diplomat’s daughter. Who spells this shit? I don’t think the producers needed to help make this girl look crazy, but they certainly didn’t help.
Jenna aka Carrie Bradshaw. My wife immediately says she has top 5 potential, but I have serious doubts. Your blog is called The Overanalyst? They’re playing the crazy girl music during your opening segment!! First one to cry for sure… amazing crazy is right.
Shawn from Finance has a son. Someone always gets the requisite mom pass for a few weeks until she melts down about being away from them for too long. Umm, here’s an idea… don’t go on a reality show! Meltdown or not, I think Shawn will stick around for a bit.
Nicki from Texas talks about her ex-husband immediately. Odd choice. Then we have a bizarre image of her mother cutting onions. This girl must like to cry…
Nine girls get advance camera time. They have not filled me with optimism for the remainder of this show.
A black limo driver? On the whitest show ever? Really ABC?
Back from commercial break, and Ben tells Chris that it’s “good to be back,” while he makes eye contact with everywhere but Chris Harrison. It must be tough for a normal guy to memorize lines. Meanwhile, my wife and I discuss how Ryan would have made for a better Bachelor. He was so utterly clueless and heartbroken on last season’s Bachelorette, I thought we were going to witness our first televised suicide when he was walking on the rocks along the ocean. Endless unintentional comedy that guy.
Anyways, Ben throws out an unconvincing, “let’s do this,” in regards to meeting 25 women that want to fuck him. At least feign interest dude…
As the first limo pulls up, my wife mentioned how she loves that they always use the same house, which I agree is pretty hilarious, and then start thinking how nasty that place must be. Call CSI and break out the black light.
My first impressions, which I admit are not particularly deep:
- Blonde Rachel. Bit of an overbite which is throwing me off. “Rose is my middle name.” I roll my eyes for the 79th time.
- Erika the lawyer breaks out a horrible line (ohhh, he’s guilty, cus you’re a lawyer, I see what you did there Erika, you’re so smart!) and an even more horrible dress.
- Poco in the house. Amber B the baconater!! I actually laughed out loud when she said that. What a horrible representative for Canada. Brutally rehearsed lines too. A 0 out of 10.
- Elyse the personal trainer frightens me a bit.
- Crazy Jenna blogger. Worst. Hello. Ever. Yes sweetheart, you did screw it up.
- Courtney the model touches Ben’s hair and probably gives him wood. Wouldn’t be the first time.
- Emily the epidemiologist. Sanitization is always a tough way to start a relationship. Good save on the kiss though.
- Miss Pacific Palisades (Samantha) with the high five! Good God.
- Casey S has nothing to say apparently.
- Amber T’s yellow tiger print dress was awful. The doubling back for love at second sight joke was no better.
- Holly (34!!) thought a big stupid hat was a good idea.
- Jamie the Serious lived up to her name that I gave her just now.
- Shira B (for bulimia). Sadly not the Princess of Power.
- Blakely the VIP hostess (or prostitute, either way) has a smile (I think she has a weird upper lip) that I find kind of unnerving. To rehearse or not to rehearse… we know how Blakely answered the eternal question.
- Gilf! Aw, too bad, it’s her granddaughter Brittney. Pulling the family ties card early is a smart first night move, too much of a gimmick to last long term.
- Nicki calls Ben precious. Bad imagery there…
- Dianna the poser. I immediately typed “young and stupid” in my notes, only to learn that she’s 30. Not a good sign for Dianna.
- Jennifer the fake ginger is a mathlete (bonus points from this judge), who dropped some number knowledge on Ben. Nice.
- Crazy British Lyndsie. Horrible poetry. The producers also managed to find the rare ugly British female accent. Missed opportunity.
- Anna the student goes for mystery. Bold move.
- Monica “oh hell,” already misses her dog. Nice first impression.
- Jaclyn. If the rest of the girls average out to a 7, Jaclyn is a -12.
- Shawn from finance in an unflattering dress (that’s me being nice) and a “slug” on the arm.
- Kacie. Definite top 5 and my opening night pick to “win.” Kacie killed the introduction. Wife approved. She was much better in person than on her prerecorded segment, and managed to have a nice southern accent (which I didn’t think was possible).
- Crazy horse chick Lindzi arrives on a horse. Of course she does.
Now the part where 25 love (read: money) hungry women drink together in the same house. This should go well, right? It is painfully obvious that these girls have been reminded to tell the camera how handsome Ben is on the reg, which just makes my wife insult his haircut even more frequently.
Let the lightning round begin!
Rachel is unemployed and has weird ear piercings (cue the crazy music). Nicki hints at her divorce (soon to manifest into a “trust” issue for sure). Lindzi hopes that Ben doesn’t secretly hate horses. Far too much Grandma time.
Chris Harrison expertly performs one of his three tasks: rose delivery. Well done sir. The ugly one (Jaclyn) then proceeds to grab the first impression rose off the tray… an immediate ejection in my book. Although, if we were playing by my rules I would have invented a rule that never would have let her get out of the limo.
More lightning round!
Shawn plays soccer. Blakely has a Kasey-esque key to my heart tattoo, which causes my wife to burst out in excitement (anytime you can reference Kasey, one of the most fascinatingly stupid contestants ever on this show, you pretty much have to). The dumb one with nothing to say during her introduction blindfolds Ben and jams candy in his mouth (just play along dude, it will all be over soon). Emily the epidemiologist rapper!!!!! I cringed in horror when she started and was actually impressed by the end. Huge points scored there. Courtney the model says some model-like things. Jenna Carrie Bradshaw is certifiable… seriously, hide the glass and sharp objects. Monica wants to fuck Blakely… I have no doubt that both of them have gone down this road before.
Jenna starts spitting crazyfire at Monica. Sharing tampons? Wow.
Time for the first impression rose, which of course goes to Lindzi the crazy horse girl, although I maintain that if Ben saw her name spelled out he would have gone in a different direction.
Jenna definitely should have had to do her walk of shame from the bathroom with Ben in the room. They’re hiding the crazy from him! It’s as if they want him to keep her for entertainment value! It’s as if this is scripted!!!
Chris knocks his address to the ladies out of the park as always, and then Ben tries hard not to say the wrong names, Jesse Palmer style.
MC Emily. Solid pick there.
Kacie B. The frontrunner.
Jennifer the fake ginger
Miss Pacific Palisades. Christ, that’s a sign of how weak this crop is.
Courtney the model. Of course.
Jaclyn. Damn dude, seriously?
Monika. Jenna meltdown upcoming.
This is the final rose tonight. Thanks Chris, great job as always.
Jenna. The producers made him to do it. Can’t we just call it the pity rose? The batshit crazy rose maybe?
The Baconater is out! How could she not be really… how she got selected in the first place is a better question.
This season, on the Bachelor…. Models are crazy! Jenna cries more! Blogging isn’t a real job! Tune in next week kids!!