The Bachelor (Ep. II)

Episode II: Attack of the Silicone (Yup… more lame Star Wars jokes)

In staying true to the name of this blog, I didn’t even manage to turn my notes from last week’s Bachelor episode into a post. Fuck I’m lazy; you better get used to this level of dedication and commitment. I considered blaming this on the fact that the second episode of this show always sucks compared to the first week, thereby justifying my lack of effort, but I’ve decided that it might be more interesting to post my notes from the episode (unedited) instead.

So here goes… my episode two recap notes (with some added comments in bold italics that I wrote tonight to help explain some of my nonsense), eight days after the fact….

Full disclosure: I had 3 pints of Guinness prior to watching this episode, so my observations may have suffered somewhat. That’s what happens when the National Championship Game directly precedes the Bachelor. I would much rather write a full recap of that game, but it would look like this:

Field goal, punt, field goal, punt, blocked field goal, punt, field goal, punt, missed field goal, punt, field goal, punt, touchdown, game over.

Wow, that was exciting. (It wasn’t) Bring on the money-grubbing skanks! And Kacie and Emily, who I tentatively approve of, until I decide otherwise.

Make correlation between re-reading these notes after the fact with checking text conversations the morning after drinking. What the fuck was I thinking? Did that actually happen? What does that even mean? Even when I leave myself notes to remind me to write about something I fail. This is depressing.


“This bad, this early.” What a great quote to start an episode.

No way this is his dog. My wife reminds me of his baby talk with Ashley. Dammit.

Whole family looks identical.

First date: Kacie B, of course it’s her. I’m a genius.

“Show them something extremely personal” apparently is code for Ben’s junk.

Cheese factory just had my wife excited. Disappointment though.

More piano skills. Ok, ABC, stop trying to convince me that Ben knows how to play.

“I would destroy haribos right now” – My wife. I have no idea why this seemed relevant to type at the time.

Baton skills!!!!! Kacie B breaking out legit skills. Great outfit btw.

Fair play, Ben has mad Dad issues. I would be crushing one of the girls if they had this kind of family baggage.

Ug-o reads the date card. I don’t have many nice things to say about Jaclyn.

Blakely talks a big game.

Kacie gets the first rose. Good precedent.

My wife complains out how unattractive Ben is for the 3rd time in ten minutes.

Already trusts her. Baby movies. Crying in front of her.  Holy shit, just get married already. Dead dad approved.

Lifetime of love after one date! Wtf?

A goddamn play. Fml.

Maybe Ben isn’t so stupid after all. Shake out the ones that are baby crazy and the ones that hate kids.

Inappropriate request for a sexy dance from children. That was really weird, even more so in retrospect.

Nice outfit for children Blakely. You’re a whore.

Courtney… you’re a crazy psycho bitch.

Gingerbread whore.

This is painful to watch. Kill me now. This is some messed up inter-species lovin. I can’t remember which two animals were being inappropriate with each other, but it mildly disturbed me at the time.

Thank god. End this shit. Get to Blakely the crazy whore.

Crying behind luggage. Awesome. From the pre-commercial break preview.

Emily and Rachel get their kisses. Super weak.

Blakely looks like a transvestite, talking smack about the rose.

Emily calls Blakely a whore in the nicest way possible. Emily continues to be awesome.

Samantha hides in the bathroom stall to get away from Blakely. Odd location choice.

“Born ready” from the model. Weak “winning” usage. Crazy as fuck. Not a real person apparently.

Titties out everywhere during this pool game. That’s what I got out of that.

This whole evening has huge potential for  “concealing an erection” points in the GRTFL. The Grantland Reality Television Fantasy League. Check it out.

Is “I’m glad you’re here,” code for “we should make out?” That would explain a lot about how little action I got in high school. I think the Guinness was starting to kick in a bit at this point.

Blakely needs to break the titties out is what she means. “Grown-up time”… more code that I should have tried when I was young. Blakely is about to slide off her chair.  Fakely.

Rose to Blakely. Whore rose. I love how women treat this as a competition show. It’s like the amazing race for whores. “Candy-striping hooker.” Well put.

A dog named Scotch. At least it wasn’t named after wine.

Courtney: “I was just doing me for a while.” Coke and bulimia, I’m assuming.

Tractor riding? Ben is going to have a lot of “best dates I’ve ever had” I think.

Dinner under a tree. “Yeah, I did.” He means, “yeah, the producers did.”

She totally wasn’t expecting that deep or long of an answer. She was hoping for about 5 or 6 words.

Courtney is equally dumbfounded that she is still available.

Some trust issues. You think?

“A ha moment.” Fuck off.

Totally can’t believe he actually got a model in this group. Doesn’t really matter what she does or says, he just can’t believe he’s going to get to fuck a model. This remains the only reason Courtney is still on this show. She’s horrible.

This chick would absolutely stab you in your sleep. You know this show has a problem when I can’t even remember which girl I was talking about when I wrote this… I’m going to assume Courtney.

Time for the lightning round!

“First impression girl” aka I don’t remember your name. Wow, she called him on it, Ben has been studying. This girl ticks off almost every red flag for a good friend of mine. This is almost comical.

“Cheers”ing skinny ties? You girls suck.

Samantha is about to rat out Blakely’s (Jugs) ugly ass.

Ben’s a boob man.

Ben is gonna ask the camera people to steer him away from this crazy bitch.

How did Ben not write into the contract that the only wine that would be poured would be from his vineyard? What was he thinking? All these broads do is drink wine.

Jenna gets the best crazy music. “I’m not like a girl.” Jenna must just get hammered instantly.

Samantha is awesome. Please stick around for comic relief.

Squatting behind luggage and crying seems like a normal thing to do.

Best thing to do is ask the girl you’re not gonna keep… rat out all the other bitches.

This is like hide and go seek for crazy broads…. This is pretty fucking funny actually.

It’s a different experience for them because THEY’RE CRAZY WOMEN!!!

CHRIS!!! I was getting a little too into Chris Harrison’s appearances last week apparently.

13 Roses:

Jennifer…  She would have cried forever had she not got one. Pity rose.

Emily… Nice!

Elyse… Still frightening.

Jaclyn… Still ugly.

Erika… Meh.

Rachel… decent.

Lindzi… “that’s me!”

Nicki… Meh.

Casey S… Who?? This girl couldn’t have picked a worse season to be on… you have a relatively unique name, yet you’re stuck on the same show as another Kacie who is infinitely better than you in every way. And I thought I had bad luck.

Samantha… Nice. More good nicknames to come.

Monika… “Ewwwww” from my wife.

Jamie… Decent.

CHRIS!! Again… I think I just want his job.

Brittney… The GILF comes through again.

Who is Jenna going to stalk first? No idea who that blonde girl is. What’s the over/under on times per week Jenna sees a therapist. 5.5? Betting the over heavy.

San Fran. Wtf was Blakely wearing there? Brittney’s grandma died. Crazy mystery girl. Fainting. This was from the end of episode previews… so it turned out that Brittney’s mom didn’t die, and she’s actually just a bit unhinged. I guess that’s better.

So those were my notes from episode two. Not bad in retrospect; maybe I should get half-cut before every episode of this show.

On to episode three!!

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