The Bachelor (Ep. III)

Episode III: The Wrong Shawntel

I’m actually posting this within twenty-four hours of the show’s airing! Unfuckingbelievable.

We’ve moved from Sonoma to San Francisco, which isn’t exactly a big geographical change, but it reminded me of one of this show’s built-in barriers to actually generating a relationship that can outlast a Kardashian marriage… in the span of a month or two (or however long it takes to film this show), every aspect of these girls’ lives gets elevated to a level beyond luxury. Every house, hotel, penthouse or villa they stay in is ridiculously appointed, they never have to cook, work, or do anything other than drink or prepare for a date. When they do go on a date, it’s ludicrous shit like helicopter rides and private concerts or dinner in the middle of the Bellagio fucking fountains. The object of their affection has two types of lady-killing outfits: a three piece suit or shorts with no shirt (to show off the abs the show developed for him in the three months before filming). The only male alternatives to the Bachelor are Chris Harrison (married, and barely ever there anyway), and the camera crew (who actually managed to nail one of these opposite-sex-deprived ladies a few seasons ago, resulting in her expulsion), which forces these lionesses to look at him like the only gazelle in the entire fucking desert. In the end, one of them gets selected from the pride and inevitably ends up wondering why things “just weren’t the same,” after the filming ended.

I have news for you ladies… no guy in his right mind would ever raise a woman’s expectations like this in real life. Even if they have the means to treat you to the finer things in life, they sure as shit won’t give it all to you at the beginning… that’s a recipe for disaster, as nearly every “couple” this show has ever spit out figures out pretty fucking quick. As for this season, Ben is a wine-maker, he doesn’t own vineyards. Do the math.

Ok, no more tangents… let’s find love.

Ben begins the episode by saying that Kacie B. “sparkles,” a solid endorsement. Kacie B. stock is looking pretty damn strong right now. Ben follows this up by meeting his sister in an awkwardly staged rendezvous at a cafe in San Francisco, during which her most pressing concern seems to be having someone to go on double-dates with. I don’t know any brothers and sisters who would do this even once, let alone as a routine. Another note on the sister… after seeing the episode previews about how a mystery girl would be joining episode three’s cocktail party and causing an absolute shit storm among the “ladies”, I immediately focused my sights on her. How awesome would it be to have your sister come in and turn these women into the backstabbing bitches we all know them to be, only to then announce that she was just there as a spy to see how the other women treated her. I could totally produce this show.

The San Francisco tourism department is loving life right now. The Town didn’t even use this many helicopter shots.

Emily the rapping epidemiologist is a cool chick, and making her walk up a bridge is an odd way to establish trust. If I was a contestant on the Bachelorette, and my date involved  letting tarantulas crawl on me I’d get the hell out of dodge, so good on her for sticking it out. Then the producers tell the girls to look out of their conveniently placed telescope… uh, I mean one of the girls just happens to be looking at the Bay Bridge while Ben and Emily are climbing it… did that really contribute to the suspense? Emily and Ben make it to the top, Emily gets to read a horrendous metaphor about bridges connecting two things (the show is scripted, I’m over it, and you should be too by now), and then tells Ben how eHarmony or some other site matched her with her brother. Damn girl… your brother is into freestyle rhyming and controlling the spread of disease too?

I’m just gonna put this out there… Ben is not good (repeat, not good) when he has to spit out the garbage that the writers give him, but when he speaks off the cuff he’s not a total idiot. A little self-deprecating humour here, a little honest reaction there… this guy might be the most normal Bachelor in years.

Fast-forward to the bikini bunny hill group date (this episode was very back-loaded… the first hour was tough to get through). One question for those of you scoring at home though… who wants to take bets on who the first skank to gear down was? Guaranteed one stripped down to her bikini and the rest of them started thinking, “oh, hellll no… she’s not gonna out-skank me!”

That “key to the city” San Francisco pendant was horrendous… Neil shit the bed on that one. Maybe that’s the real reason that Brittney had such a sudden and total meltdown. If we find out two months from now that her Grandma’s bucket list included, “get on a television show,” and this was how she crossed it off, I won’t be even the least bit surprised. Good riddance to the only girl giving Jaclyn a run for the “but she has a great personality,” award.

What a great shot that was, Ben in the middle of some patio couches flanked by his harem on both sides… it totally reminded me of The Last Supper, only for whores. Go back and watch that again, I can wait.

See? Hilarious, right?

These girls try so hard to impress Ben… for you ladies out there, now you see what poor single guys at bars go through… they try super hard but come off as stupid and desperate… you just can’t pack that many compliments into one conversation and sound even the least bit interesting.

Kacie B. is getting a little jealous, falling into the classic Bachelor pitfall of the girl who gets all the dances at the beginning of the night and then gets left against the wall for a few songs while the guy trawls the rest of the room… relax sweetheart, now is the time to get another drink and let the crazy bitches expose themselves. Anger, fear, jealousy… the dark side of the whores are they.

Brittney crashes the party to tell Ben she’s bailing, which apparently “was the hardest decision of [her] life?” For reals? Life will continue to be hard for you Brittney. Ben comes through in the clutch with a fantastic, “Say hi to your Grandma.” Well played bro.

Rachel gets the group date rose because guys who aren’t used to getting this amount of attention or having this many options always go for the over-the-top try-hards that make the first impression. “You seriously think I’m handsome and funny and intelligent? Damn, I better lock you up… nobody ever says that to me.”

Two of the more obvious lessons learned tonight, taken straight from my notes: Lindzi is easy to please. Courtney is a mean-spirited cunt.

Lindzi probably doesn’t get out much. Ben must have felt like he was on a date with a five-year old. “Where are we now?” as they go through the gates into Chinatown. “Are we going here?” as they walk up to the steps of a massive building. They then, of course, break into an impromptu dance number that I fast-forwarded. Ben and Lindzi continue their date by hitting the town… “Is this a bar?” I totally expect Lindzi to say. “Is this a secret door?” “Is this food?” The horse rule is never wrong.

Ben says that he is looking to get to a “much deeper level,” with Lindzi, and I make a “balls deep,” joke that gets a laugh from my wife. This show brings us so much joy.

Lindzi continues to sell this fake break-up text message story hard, but Ben is not buying.  He does, on the other hand, “like where things are headed,” which seems to be his default line of the season. ABC has me almost convinced that Ben can actually play the piano now (I really don’t think I can deny it at this point… they actually showed him playing this time). And oh by the way, Lindzi really likes this song Ben is playing. Her O-face said so.

The cocktail party/lightning round begins, and Ben decides it would be a good night to select one of the worst tie/suit combos I’ve ever seen. Each are fine on their own, but together? Jesus man, are you color blind?

Jennifer tells Ben that, “you don’t have to question ever,” which my wife says is the new “I will protect your heart.” Shout out to Kasey from Bachelor Pad. I have no idea what made Jennifer think that was a normal thing to say to someone, but so be it. It led to Ben telling her that she was the best kisser, with a classy, “yup, still got it.” That’s generally the reaction I’m going for when I kiss someone too.

At this point, the producers decide to unleash hell on the cocktail party. I think this was a desperate move by the show, especially in episode three of a season that has more than its fair share of crazy women already, but what’s one more. The original group of girls must not have been bickering with each other enough off camera. So in walks Shawntel, or as my wife referred to her, “oh, the other Shawntel.” My feelings exactly. Chantal on the other hand would have been worth throwing some of these ugly bitches off the balcony for. This Shawntel? Not so much. So the rest of the girls go nuts, as expected. We do get some great “real” behavior out of this incident though…

Courtney drops some truth: “Blakely is the kind of girl your boyfriend cheats on you with.” Fantastic. Courtney, you are a miserable bitch, but that was great. As a side note, it just hit me that you’re a 28 year old model, as in you probably haven’t actually been a working model for about five years. No wonder you’re on this show.

We find out that Emily really likes to swear, which is not at all a bad thing. She definitely thinks that Ben is not seeing the other side of Courtney, but is missing the fact that Ben sees the side that looks like a model. Sorry to break that to you Emily.

Kacie B. would definitely shank a bitch if shit got real.

According to the “ladies,” Ben doesn’t need “Brad’s dumpster trash,” but they are totally cool with Ben being Ashley’s dumpster trash. Funny how that works.

Apparently Shawntel is there because she “has to know,” which explains nothing whatsoever. Ben is treating her like a stalker who is demanding answers for why he never called, which is probably exactly what I would do in this situation. Times like these make Ben actually seem like a normal dude.

Chris Harrison put in some unexpected minutes off the bench tonight. Nice contribution as always.

And we’re down to the roses, after Ben called the party quits…

They brought in Trent Reznor to do the score to tonight’s episode apparently. Nice touch.

Courtney. A shoo-in for the top 6 unless one of the other girls’ murders her first.

Kacie B. She sparkles, remember.

Elyse. I have no idea why.

Jamie. Terrible.

Jennifer. He’s not gonna send the best kisser home for another few weeks.

Jaclyn chimes in with the quote of the episode, which is actually quite a feat: “On a scale of 1 to 10 I’m going to throw up.” Love it.

Casey S. I already crushed her before… no reason to pile on. Who am I kidding. Her last name is Shteamer for shit’s sake.

Blakely. “Ugh,” from my wife.

Monica. Whatever.

Nicki. Whatever.

Samantha. She seems to be good for team chemistry, even though it surprises that Ben even remembers her name considering how little time she’s had with him so far.

Jaclyn is going off the fucking rails right now.

Down goes Erika! Down goes Erika! Not nearly as good as advertised though. You either faint or you don’t. You didn’t.

Ben mans up and keeps the last rose. Way to stay strong, even though one girl tried to fake her own death in front of you. You managed to get rid of the ugly one, the one nobody cared about, and the one everyone wanted to stab. That’s a solid night in my books.

Until next week, or more likely the week after. I wouldn’t want to raise expectations.

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